The past is strange isn’t it? So much of what you want to remember fades like a dream and the stuff you don’t want to remember can hang on for a lifetime. The memories of past guilt and shame chase you, and just when you think you have outrun them, they come knocking at the door ready to taunt, condemn, and remind you of your failures.
Sometimes I wonder if I have spoiled God’s plan for me. After 2 difficult breakups, I grew bitter towards God and rebelled against Him. But today I am absolutely sure of His love for me and that I am forgiven. The Cross has freed me from the guilt and punishment of my past. It is at the Cross I have seen the depths of my depravity and the height of God’s amazing love for me. I have witnessed His terrifying wrath, but also His unspeakable mercy and love for me as a sinner. Because of the Cross, I am absolutely sure of God’s love for me and His complete forgiveness of my past sins. Because of the Cross I can confess my past sin and I have found someone who truly accepts me for who I am, even my imperfections.
This someone is Jay. He makes me want to be a better person every day and he helps me to become one through encouragement and prayer. I thought I knew what I wanted but God gave me more than I could have imagined in this one man. Jay and I are in a place together where we are constantly growing closer to each other and we are learning how to better serve each other and our God through our relationship. I am so thankful of the amazing love God has shown me so that I can show it to others around me. I want to show this more, not just to Jay, but everyone.
I am in love with my Savior! I want to love those who hate me and those who can never love me back. I desire to be so obsessed with Jesus that I will not be consumed with personal safety and comfort. I care more about God's Kingdom coming to Earth than my own life being shielded from pain or distress. I desire to be so obsessed that I am more concerned with obeying God than doing what is expected or fulfilling the status quo. I want to do things that won't always make sense. I know that the sin of pride is always a battle. I know that I can never be humble enough, so I want to make Christ more known. I do not consider service a burden; I take joy in loving God by loving his people. I want to be so obsessed that I orient my life around eternity; not fixed only on what is here in front of me. I want to be characterized by committed, settled, passionate love for God, above and before every other thing and every other being. I want to be raw with God; He is my safe place where I am at peace. I have an intimate relationship with Him. I am nourished by God's word. True joy does not depend on circumstances or environment; it is a gift that must be chosen and cultivated, a gift that ultimately comes from God. The best thing that I can do is be faithful to my Savior in every aspect of life. I revel in my role as a child and friend of God.
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